Change

The leaves are quietly, slowly turning to an autumnal glow, and the heat of the Arizona summer is fading to a breezy, cool breath with the threat that any morning you wake up, you could be freezing your proverbial ass off. I love it like this. I have always been a fan of spring and fall. The metaphor of change and the anticipation in the air just inspires me, makes me feel that whatever I am unhappy about there is either new "birth" or "death" ahead and anything can happen!

So here I am, waiting with breath that is bated. There has been a lot that has occurred in the past few months. I have been on a killer road trip. I have seen and spoke with old friends, some of whom are even more precious to me now and some of whom I can take or leave. Those meetings and discussions have left me with a clearer idea of what, or rather, who is healthy for me in my life. I hung out with someone I have called a friend for nigh on 15 years feeling at the end, like I had just gone to see my high school guidance counselor. You know, the feeling. They say something like "So what are your plans?" and you reply "I want to be an actress!" and they in turn snicker "No but what are you really going to do. " That sort of thing. I left the cocktail hour feeling this person's stiletto heel securely fastened into my soul, and all I wanted to do was drink a bottle of vodka and then hit her in the head with it. What was worse was that while tearing me down for being an out of work actress who doesn't seem to have the sense to collect unemployment let alone get any kind of job, she had to build herself up, talk about how very busy, wealthy and important she was.

Luckily my road trip proved cathartic. My friend Beau and I circled Arizona hitting all borders, seeing parts of my beautiful and fascinating home state that I had never even seen, and having probably too much fun while doing so. (I think our diets consisted of beer, tacos, McDonald's and tequila) As much as I may gripe about living in Arizona, I do indeed love it for its beauty and complexity. I think perhaps I can find a metaphor somewhere in it about myself, but I will let that be for now.


Coming home was a drag though. I do think Flagstaff is tremendously lovely, if it weren't for all the assholes who live here. I thought that moving from New York City last year to a small town with beautiful mountains and clean air and lots of yoga studios and so forth would provide me with a healthy lifestyle and a happier outlook on life. Not so my friend. I have since discovered, it is not your environment that makes you healthy or unhealthy, it is, indeed the company you keep and how you chose to relate to the world around you. I, myself, am a rather extreme personality, one minute ready to dance the night away and the next to lock myself away for several days eating Hot Pockets, drinking cheap wine and watching reruns of Medium.

What I am finding, slowly but surely, what is, in fact, changing in me this fall, is the company I seek. I have cut myself off from many, many people here in Flagstaff. The ones who liked me only because I was the lead in "Comedy of Errors" or the life of the party. The ones who haven't been there for me when things have gotten rough. Fair-weather bastards. What has been surprising is the discovery of a few people who have actually proven to be quite good friends. One friend, someone I have known for YEARS, who lives in London has made a point of calling and checking in on me, and because he has done this I have been able to not fly off the handle or down the bottle or into the cheeseburger or whatever. Another calls from New York and shares her problems as well so I don't feel like I am the only one going mad around here. And I have some truly lovely friends here in town. Few, but gems. But why order ten tacos for a dollar at Taco Bell when you can have a fresh Adovado Maui Taco at Salsa Brava and really truly enjoy it? Or to put it another way, I would rather have one really nice glass of Chateauneuf-du-Papes than a cellar full of Gallo.



So the times they are a changing. I wait in anticipation and look forward to where my life leads me next. In the meantime I will try my damnedest to enjoy the moment, even it seems I only ever do that when eating, traveling or acting, but who knows, maybe that is where my life will lead me!