I am going to LA for the premiere of Jason's film "Rivers Wash Over Me!" Yup! This will be my third "big" premiere. (Some of the shitty films I have made I don't count in my book) My first was the "Rescue Me" season premiere two years ago in New York City. Red carpet, flashbulbs, the lot. I actually have attended several bigshot parties. Zach Posen's Show and Party at New York Fashion Week, The Annual Gala at the LA Scientology Celebrity Center (where my infamous run in with Tom Cruise happened)and right before I left New York for Flagstaff I was honored to attended the premiere of Helen Hunt's directorial debut "Then She Found Me" where a gorgeous Bernadette Peters sat me down for an hour long talk about my future and how I should be ok with coming back to Arizona. That it was my path and would lead to great things if I opened myself to them.
Ok so I have done some Shakespeare. That reminded me I could act. I just got cast as the lead female role in a new play called "Enlightenment" and am absolutely thrilled for all this stage time. Now however, through my husband, I have the opportunity to be a part of another film premiere. Ok so that is great for him and his career, but what about me? What held me back from marketing myself so many other times before? This will be a smaller affair than say, the Celebrity Center party, and yet finally I feel ready to prepare myself to not just allow these parties to be a spectator sport for me. I want to be a major player. I want to walk into these things with all the confidence and centered, peace of mind that say any one of my favorite actresses have. Nicole Kidman, Kate Winslet, Dame Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, bloody VANESSA REDGRAVE! I want to make something happen for ME during this opportunity!
Now it is not that I am begrudging Jason his moment in the sun. On the contrary I want him as inspired as I, as on fire. I am proud that he has done what he has but it is his time to go off and shine in one direction. I need to shine too. I sure as hell do not want to be a Kate Capshaw-like arm candy. A has-been who's married to a powerful man. And I don't feel that I am. All I feel right now is that I have to take this opportunity to move forward. If I don't I will find myself sliding into retirement doing regional theatre somewhere for equity minimum, throwing fits demanding my union smoke breaks and going home to a bottle of Jameson and a sick-looking cat who has been dragged from one end of the country to the other doing stock and festivals. I will be grumpy and alone and will be going through the motions of acting as I have been accused of in the past.
You see I think I am at a breaking point. All of life is following paths. What shall I do now? Which way is up? I seem to have turned into "Alice" and Wonderland ain't no drug murder porn scene in California. It is not that simple or boring. It is filled with wonderful triumphs, painful injuries, cats with giant smiles, heartache, failure, tweedle dee, tweedle dum and tweedle lazy-ass. The red queen always gets what she wants (so you better learn from her), the flowers aren't that beautiful, they hate you and there are much better things you can be doing besides smoking a hooka with a caterpillar. But sometimes that's the only thing you can do. You are lost, you are frightened and at the same time you wouldn't give up the adventure for anything. Most importantly the White Rabbit is really just time you are chasing. Can you get there in time? Before you are too old before you have wasted your life searching?
Come to Hollywood children. Make all your dreams come true.
Then, go get it!
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