With Clarity Comes Chaos

I am angry. Really freakin' angry. I have replaced my lovely food and booze coma with a tremendous sense of clarity in my life and guess what kids! IT MAKES ME REALLY MAD!

So look, it has been two weeks of not drinking and two days of this detox cleanse. Physically I feel fucking wonderful! I pop outta bed at 7:30 am (which if you know me is unheard of normally) I have been actually enjoying my homemade juices and smoothies and soups and salads. I have had all the energy I could possible want, maintained and even lengthened my workout regime to include a helluva lot more swimming and even have been going to be early (midnight.) I feel better physically than I have in YEARS!

Mentally however, everything is bubbling to the surface. All those annoyances, fears, anger, resentment and judgement have been pouring out of me every few minutes like "Old Faithful." Yesterday I had a screaming match with my father about everything I think I had bottled up for YEARS. Last night several phone calls to my husband resulted in HUGE amounts of resentment and rage and the hanging up of phones. Today, while swimming---something I LOVE to do, something that usually makes me peaceful and meditative---I actually picked a fight with a woman who was letting her kids screw around in the lap pool (during lap only hours) while people (like myself) were trying to get in a bit of swimming. Today, the customers at my wine shop seem to have all had lobotomies and are asking the most inane questions and I can't seem to act the chipper shopgal. I actually responded to one woman who asked: "Oh, you look short on wine. Are you going out of business?" with, "No, ma'am, we thought it might be fun to just take all our inventory and put it in a hot air balloon and let it drift around the world and see the sights." I am just so freakin annoyed with everything.

I have a theory that when you have lived in La La Land (and I am not talking L.A. here) for so long, you repress all sorts of things and when you finally decided it is time to give the addictions a rest, suddenly you are faced with all the things that you started drinking and emotional eating and watching reality tv to avoid. So that is me right now. Right now it seems I am not happy unless I am swimming, working out, cooking, writing or reading....all of these things only making me happy if I am actually alone or at least not bothered while I am doing it. I have found that I LOVE grocery shopping at around 2pm during a weekday. THERE IS NO ONE THERE! I can put on my Ipod and spend all the time in the world looking at all the beautiful produce, smelling the flowers, discovering new things I have never tried. Just me and my little pushy-cart. When I have to check out I don't really have to interact. Most places have those self check-out things now, and if they don't it is the persons job to just shuffle my groceries along and take the money. YES, Food Monkey! Do my bidding and be quick about it!

I haven't been out with my friends for quite awhile. They know I am not dead because I occasionally log on to facebook to say something snide or take a quiz to tell me something pointless that I don't really care about. I basically have been avoiding the world, and I have an inkling it I know why. If I were to go out and try to be civil I just don't think I could handle it. Or rather, I don't think anyone could handle me. i would probably be a total bitch or just sit there silently judging everyone. Or worse, start boring people to death with all the things in my life that make me so fucking unhappy.

I long to get out of the country. I long to wander around countries where I either don't know the language or my conversation is limited. I want to just see things and do things and be quiet and calm and peaceful. I want to sit on a boat or a beach or by a lake or river or canal and write. I want to wander. I want to really see and understand the world around me again. This is how I used to deal with my negativity. I would adventure. Alone. Time alone in foreign places has always been the best therapy for me. But that is not an option at the moment so I have to find some other constructive manner of releasing and processing all this SHIT in my head. Getting back into yoga I guess is the first step. Perhaps trying to see something in Flagstaff that I have been missing God knows how the hell I should do that!) I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! All I know is I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, get in anymore fights or feel this bloody mentally miserable. That said I also have no inclination whatsoever to break this cleanse and go grab the first beer and bag of fritos I can find. So I HAVE to work through everything. Somehow.

In the meantime I will be thoroughly enjoying my new juicer, my kitty, my swimming, and my solitude.